I'm Trying My hardest To Stay A Little Girl Forever

i dont think this is what kate had in mind...

2006-05-27T04:38:25Z

Kate sent me a nudge to remind me to write in this thing... aparently it's been 8 weeks. to tell you the truth, my life has changed pretty drastically in 8 weeks. i've fallen deeply in love with ben. i know it seems kind of crazy because i've only known him for a little over 3 months, but sometimes people come into your life for a reason. he came in my life to save me from fear. i really love everything about him, and especially how he is very patient and calming with me. he's not like any guy i've ever met or spent time with. i love to tell my parents things about him because i dont feel like there's anything i need to hide about him from them. my mom really seems to like him. he's so damn cute too. a lot of little things have happened but i cant remember much of them. my mom had a double masectomy on the 18th along with reconstruction. she was in the hospital for 6 days. i've been her nurse since she came home. i've also managed to pick up the house. i feel like im driftin away from some of my friends. i dont know what to do about it because they seem just as busy as i am, so it's hard to find time to do things with them or even just sit down and talk with them. i've been talking to my brother blake via myspace and i honestly cant tell if he's a total asshole or a total joker. its weird.

i hate college so much right now, but i know that when i leave i'll have someone at home waiting for me to come back. he said he would fly out to see me anytime i needed him. i think he ought to just buy a house out there. actually, i think no one should have religion forced on them. i honestly think im jewish, maybe buddhist. i love eastern religion. who is god? i havent been to church in a few weeks which makes me really happy and excited. when i see people from church i kind of dread it because i know they'll just tlak about god and church. some of them dont seem to like it much. they just follow the motions because that's what they're use to. i think thats really stupid and kind of a waste of life.

i bought a car and im so far in debt to my parents. i dont even like the friggin thing. he keeps crappin' out. i love doing things with ben alone. mostly sleeping because it's very peaceful and nice to have osmeone there. he fell asleep on my chest a few days ago when we came back from the angels and airwaves concert. i could tell he was asleep because he was grinding his teeth and he drooled a little. it was cute that he was so comfy and trusting that he actually fell asleep. i didnt even mind the drool cuz i was already soaked (from the show), and cuz it was his.

i went to see madi's apartment today and it made me want to move out and start a life with him. i could tell he wasnt ready when i suggested we run away. its not even feasible for us, but it is nice to dream. i would love to wake up to his face everymorning. he's so beautiful.

i think im losing the person i use to be, and im not sure if thats good or bad.

shattrdmind @ 2006-03-27T00:11:00

2006-03-27T05:14:02Z

so just a quick update for anyone who cares and reads this

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm going out with ben marchand. may i just say that he is fabulous? yep :)

thats really all thats going on that's worth sharing. bye!

shattrdmind @ 2006-02-15T23:57:00

2006-02-16T05:08:26Z

so its midnight and im tired as hell. IM GOING TO CALIFORNIA AND VEGAS wooooo. i have to leave my house in four and a half hours. i havent packed much butttttt i dyed madi's hair the color of FABULOUS.

in other news, i spent my night with ben last night. we watched three movies, all of which were delicious but my back hurts like an old woman on her deathbed so i was a little distracted and tired. but it was still good :) im gunna learn how to play poker. sweet, right?

i hate fall out boy, and panic! at the disco. i just want to clear that up in case anyone was wondering.

in 17 hours i'll see my sister and kadey babe. i got him some kickass elmo shoes. they're bitchin'

i'm getting married to claudio sanchez's hair and the singer from vendetta red's voice; and what a marriage it will be.

i've had this thing with eating the past week. the thing is that i cant actually eat without dying. it seems pretty terrible but i've dropped mad weight which is sweet.

mad and i made another rap while dying her hair. i dont remember the rap but i remember it being pretty narly,

damn im tired. call me or something if you miss me so much you feel like bursting. HAHA okay i wont hear from any of you... so BYE!

shattrdmind @ 2006-02-07T22:10:00

2006-02-08T03:20:45Z

so aparently my folks are already thinking about selling my house. some people are coming over on thursday to look at it. i told my mom i was going to put satanic relics all up in my room. im seriousy thinking about spray painting 666 on my walls and maybe hanging a few upside-down crosses just so they'll be too scared to buy my precious housely thing.

in other news... im leaving in 8 days to california and vegas :) i decided last night i was going to be the next john stewart/ stephen colbert woman. i think making fun of really ridiculous and highly unethical laws seems like a pretty good job. PLUS that way i'll get to talk to the secret service :)it'd be fun to make one of them laugh at his own job.

GOOD NIGHT!

shattrdmind @ 2006-01-31T11:47:00

2006-01-31T19:02:50Z

So I havent updated in awhile. not much has happened that i can remember except I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL! i celebrated by babysitting 6 children for three days and 2 nights. i hate kids now. sad but true. that's about ittttttttt

except that im going back to the museum of fine arts on friday... wooo!

edit: i need to sell my cello ($1200) and my acoustic guitar (5 cents) because i dont use them and i want money. so if anyone knows anyone who wants them... let me know.

shattrdmind @ 2005-12-17T16:09:00

2005-12-17T21:17:46Z

Today i went to the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston. It was love.

So here's a story of parents' love. After looking at Ansel Adams' brilliance, we wandered around the museum and ended up in the french impressionist room. there was a man, a woman, and their two daughters. each parent had one child in his or her arms. the kids were probaly 5 and 6 and the parents walked up to each one of tha paintings and asked "what is it that you like about this one?" I swear to god i was so happy for those chids. they're going to rock as adults. and also, there were art students doing projects all around the museum. i wanted to beat them up and take their lives hehe. that's all for now, bye lovelies!

shattrdmind @ 2005-12-08T23:30:00

2005-12-09T04:34:36Z

so all i have to say is there better be no school tomorrow. also, killing small animals, chopping their tales off, and watching them run around until they die makes one a sociopath. look out for this symptom.

sucky police suck. WOO

winter is sucky and it sucks like a sucky suck suckmcsuck.

blah blah blah blah

2005-12-06T04:59:19Z

i watched a really thought- provoking movie a few weeks ago and decided a lot of things about life

marriage: people get married so they can have a witness to their lives. if you dont have a witness you don't, in effect, exist or honestly matter to anyone. so with the conclusion i end my anti- marriage crusade. my crusade against asshole husbands hasnt ended and never will becuase mostly guys suck and treat their wives like shit.

religion: people who follow it blindly are stupid. people who fight against it are stupid. religion gives people hope and as long as they aren't harming anyone by believing a man created earth, they're entitled to have hope to get them through life without crazy assholes calling them stupid or ignorant. we all need hope. whether you believe in god/ organized religion or not, it's not hurting you directly and probably isnt even hurting you indirectly.

on another note: winter sucks, i'm constantly tired, and i feel like i'm losing my friends. i dont want to turn eighteen. i dont want to be away from my nephew this long. i miss my sister. i complain too much. and milk has puss in it. delicious, right? i ought to get to bed because 4 hours' sleep each night is turning me into a bitch

Oh, i'm married. against my will and without my knowledge, but despite that, my husband's kind of nice. lol

shattrdmind @ 2005-11-23T14:54:00

2005-11-23T19:55:41Z

shattrdmind @ 2005-11-16T21:15:00

2005-11-17T02:19:09Z

I think the Rev Al Sharpton is a cutie.

I'm going to art school. I decided that today. Pretty sweet, right? I'm getting a tattoo sometime after my birthday. It'll be on my ribs so as not to be distorted in the event that i have a child someday. I kind of know what i want but i refuse to say until i've decided and thought about it for a few months. i went to pilates tonight; it was fabulous. ALSO, i've decided to try vegetarianism (is that a word?) again. i do so hate the thought of little chickens being tortured. so we'll see how it goes. um... i guess that's all for now

except for

night

hello

2005-11-13T04:58:28Z

Um what the hell is "My LJ"? haha

okay so... HAPPY BIRTHA to basically everyone who exists and was born this month. the last few days have been pretty sweet (despite the persistant feeling like i might upchuck something called chuck). my mom's friend and (part of) her family came to visit my mom for her birthday. basically i grew up with these people and i love them. they helped us move out here like... 7 years ago. god, all the memories i've tried to block out of those hellish 6 days get replayed everytime we're with them. we're making a movie about it which is pretty sweet. does anyone know of an actress that looks like me when i was eleven? chris tucker? yeah, he can play me.

it's kind of late right now. and i'm kind of tired. last night i owned at pool. which is a lie; but i made a cool shot. cory and my brother asked if kaitlin and i wanted to go (weird? no. i realize they wanted kaitlin to go cuz she's a studmuffin (haha) but it was actuallly fun. yep.) friday we went to boston and today i took kaitlin to the mall. i was supposed to watch some fabulous tatooing but that didnt work out. oh how i adore the art of tatooing. :) goodnight!

shattrdmind @ 2005-11-05T21:48:00

2005-11-06T02:51:42Z

so today i found out i got accepted into the phlebotomy program. i tried to read the rest of the information but to say the least, i dont care that much. my brother's being an ass and all i want to do is sleep right now. i just woke up like 9 hours ago so i figure i should be awake for at least another twenty minutes. people are pricks... that's my thought for the night.

bye

be my little rock n roll [king]

2005-11-02T04:35:08Z

me writing a four page paper on hamlet's sanity would be the euivalent of hitler writing a four page paper on how not to kill millions of jewish people.

bad example? i know.

i'm insane right now and i might just love it.

p.s. people who have sex in public= repulsive

shattrdmind @ 2005-10-16T18:40:00

2005-10-16T22:49:20Z

Yesterday was the MCR/ AK3 and Reggie show. Charis, Steve, Ben, Sara, Madi and I got there a little after 530 and we found little cory in the front of the line, like 10 people back. so we snuck in not so stealthily. but the girls he was standing with were really nice. ummm so we stood out there for awhile. cory was pretty much dying of cold. it was almost sad. haha. so reggie was okay, but i dont like them. then the singer was like "MCR is next!" so i tried to get as close to the front as i could, everyone else stayed pretty far back. so the bassist for AK3 gets on stage and i was like hmm. anyway... alkaline trio was pretty sweet. i stayed in the semi front for like 4 songs but like 20 people fell over and i got sat on and some guy was like trying to pull me up he was like "GET UP GET UP YOU'RE GOING TO GET KILLED" but i couldnt because there were like 4 people sitting on my leg. it sucked. so i went back and stood next to ben and madi and some girl was rubbing her butt all over me and kept hitting me in the back so i pretty much killed her. madi said ben looked shocked and horrified. ummmmm

sat down for awhile while MCR was setting up, got some water, felt sick, blah blah. then the first song was my favorite and i realized i needed to not be sitting so i went into the crowd all by myself and jumped and SCRAMED (haha) like a crazy. it was pretty sweet. um yep.

my brother called... he's having a scottish wedding which meansssssssss he's wearing a kilt HAHA. i think that's it

other than... my friends are fabulous humans and i love them :)

p.s. i got my senior pictures back. i tired to scan them so you could see my ugly face but it looked more horrible when i scanned it. so if you want one just let me knowwwwwwwww

and also... i decided boys should protect girls from having fat chicks rub their butts all over us. i would have appreciated it a whole bunch. haha

shattrdmind @ 2005-10-13T20:34:00

2005-10-14T00:44:18Z

Today i told someone to exit my life forever because honestly the person makes my stress level rise to the point where it may just be lethal.

i got my senior pictures today. and also
I'm so stoked for the MCR/ AK3 concert!!

shattrdmind @ 2005-10-10T15:12:00

2005-10-10T19:13:32Z

i just talked with madi on the phone for a good 20 minutes and it made me sad cuz i miss her. poo.

this is a hodge podge post. i'll try to make it flow as much as possible.

2005-10-10T02:25:13Z

so yeah... a lot of shit has happened that i'm not happy with recently and i think i'm more lost than ever about where my life is headed but i think i'm dealing with it relatively sanely. some guy i like (stupid stupid) likes some other girl (blah blah same story)i pretty much hate the way it feels

i also hate talking about marriage every effing week in church. I'M SEVENTEEN. i have NO PLANS on getting married EVER, especially not any time soon. it makes me want to put up with church even less. and i dont care if that means i'm going to hell. that's fine with me.

anyway... MCR/ alkaline trio on saturday! i seriously might weep at the sight of gerard. well not really... well... maybe. haha

charis and i have devoted our energy to being nicer to people in general. we were being really mean and i dont think i realized how much it made me sound like a complete bitch.

as far as school goes... i flip out all over the place when i dont understand something. which is all the time now. it kind of sucks. i got two b's and two a's. i got a 69 on my english paper; first time ever. i generally do well in english but this year is just going to be different and i'm accepting that. whatever. school's out january 20th. that's reason enough to celebrate

i caught up on Questionable Content. if you haven't read this webcomic (that sounds so geeky haha) it seriously is hilarious. and it makes me happy so here's the address... www.questionablecontent.net i suggest you start at the beginning, it's a great use of time. i was reading a part of jeph's newspost and i liked it: "Above all, keep in mind there ain't no shame in trying to stay sane.(Speaking of Prozac) If you're going to act all self-righteous or judgemental about it, I cordially invite you to go fuck a knothole."

yeah. so i think there was more but i got most of it. sorry if you were offended by any of the content in this but honestly if you were, take me off your friends list. i dont mean or need to offend anyone.

p.s. i wore my entire costume on saturday to the Pumpkin Fest... cha and i were there for a good 20 minutes before we realized we didnt actually need to help out because there was nothing to do, due to rain. i'd show you pictures but i care just as much as you do. (very little)

Good Night!

shattrdmind @ 2005-10-04T15:07:00

2005-10-04T19:17:32Z

Hey. So today was today.

We went to paint windows on the oval for the pumpkin festival and basically it was Erin, Laura, Allegra, Pik, Chelsea and i painting the town hall. chelsea and i brought our cars around and turned our radios on so we could all have something to listen to while painting. and some dumbass cop came by and started SCREAMING at chelsea (pik was sly enough to turn my car off before the guy noticed two cars were contributing to the sound) so basically she got a written warning because that guy had a stick up his butt. around 1030 i left and went to dunks and got a coffee coolatta. which aparetnly means i'm going to hell according to some certain people. but basically that person also has a stick up his butt.

anyway got back to school blah blah

The top part:

All of it:

shattrdmind @ 2005-09-29T22:35:00

2005-09-30T02:36:46Z

On a happier note...
Hello :)

tylenol PM is like... i dunno. but the Arthurian legend pretty much fascinates me. and so does this pain in my rib. hehe

night :)

shattrdmind @ 2005-09-25T22:51:00

2005-09-26T02:53:02Z

I just read the best story from the Canterbury Tales :). it was cute.

PS i have a lot of snot in my nose and that makes it hard to eat. because i cant chew with my mouth closed and also breathe so i end up fainting

have a lovely night, chids

shattrdmind @ 2005-09-22T21:31:00

2005-09-23T01:33:53Z

I have a new screen name, AmorVincitNihil. I'll give you a dollar if you translate it. ANYWAY

and may i just say emo boys need to stop be sarcastic bitches and GET A JOB. read this:

Emo Kids.....

I wonder when people will realize that the "scene" has become homogeneous. It's full of 14 year old girls with uneven bangs, black and white striped shirts, and tattered low-top black Chuck Taylor’s, who swoon over homosexual kissing and pathetic whiny lyrics and overuse the symbols.

Their favorite quote is, invariably, "The truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt" because it like, so totally describes their relationship with that one HAWT sophomore who totally ripped their hearts out when they were like, SO in love with him.

Their favorite type of music is, of course, "emo, screamo, and hardcore", three terms which, in their minds, invariably include the bands Taking Back Sunday, Thrice, and Hawthorne Heights.

Their AIM screennames often include x's, the words "electrikk", "disaster", or some play on their favorite song from their favorite band, you know, the one they saw on MTV like a couple times, but shouldn't be on MTV because they're like, way too emo for that.

They take hundreds of black and white pictures with way too much contrast of themselves looking plaintively down at the ground, pointing a gun made of their fingers at their heads, or kissing the camera while displaying their expert application of lip gloss around their labret piercing and the thick dark eyeliner that circles their eyes.

They embrace the "dork" that is inside their polished, fashionable exteriors by writing in their LiveJournals or Xangas about how they and their friends had an 'N Sync sing-a-long at one of their sleepovers because, remember, 'N Sync is soooo not popular anymore and they like, sooo wouldn't follow any of the fads of today, so they embrace the fads of yesterday.

They adore "retro fashion", meaning anything from the 80's, because they totally used to wear neon colors and big beaded bracelets, even though they were born in, at the earliest, 1988 and remember jack shit about the fashion and culture of the 80's.

It's full of "emo boys" who often are difficult to differentiate from "emo girls", who have meaningless tattoos even though they're 15, smoke a lot of cigarettes, drink a lot of hard liquor, and are in some shitty band that plays a couple of gigs in someone's basement because they're "too cool to go mainstream" when really, they just suck.

They weigh roughly 90 pounds, wear girls' jeans that hug their asses in just the right places, belts buckled somewhere around the side of their right leg, tight striped 80's style polo shirts or band t-shirts, and skater shoes, even though they don't skate because that's soooo lame.

They write awful poetry about the dark abyss of their souls and how the gun is pointed at their heads, the trigger poised to blast away the bloody memories of a failed romance. They cried when Blink-182 broke up, and they have a secret obsession with Avril Lavigne because, like, she really IS kinda hot even though her music totally sucks.

They spend more time at the mirror than their female counterparts do, shoving fingers' down thier throats so they can fit in thier chick pants, making sure that the long black shock of hair at the front of their heads lies covering one eye just so, that their lip piercing is perfectly placed so that it looks hot when they kiss other boys, that their pants are the right degree of tightness so as not to exude gayness.

Emo boys and girls often use the suffix "Xcore" to describe themselves, using a number of adjectives or nouns to accomplish this task. This is a play off hardcore music, or "hXc". Some of these descriptive words include "fashionXcore", "retroXcore", or even "yournamehereXcore."

This way of speaking is retarded or nonsensical to everyone else except those "in the scene", but it totally doesn't matter because they're too nonconformistXcore for anyone to truly understand their "scene".

They couldn't name a Sunny Day Real Estate or Rites of Spring song if it came up and bit them on their Gap Jeans-clad asses, and they claim to like the Smiths because Jesse Lacey of Brand New said they were cool.

Sure, they listen to some new "hardcore" bands, but they're all pretty much the same five bands:
1. Taking Back Sunday
2. Senses Fail
3. Thrice
4. Hawthorne Heights
5. Story of the Year
To these promising young firecrackers, music takes a BACKSEAT TO WANNABE FASHION in their scene of choice.

Emo girls just want to kiss emo boys, emo boys just want to kiss other emo boys, and they all want to wear tight pants and take lots of pictures of themselves. End of story. Because honestly? It's electrikk!

shattrdmind @ 2005-09-12T23:07:00

2005-09-13T03:10:00Z

shoot me if you think I'm crazy, but...

I'm actually enjoying school. and work isnt even all that bad when you run the show and a boy named daweed comes and steals cookies. Home life hasnt been bad today. i guess telling my dad that i have no respect for him whatsoever made him change his mind about a few things. All in all, today was good. and i'm sleepy.

so Good night :)

P.S. Charis told me some truly artistic and wonderful ideas she's culminated for ideas for photographs. Since she wasnt able to take photography I'm ganking her ideas. They'll rock. Yep. And she's going to be in all them which is cool. Now i actually have something to take pictures of! haha

This basically sums up my entire weekend...

2005-09-12T01:31:03Z

I've cried so much I think I'm going to puke.

Democrats shouldnt marry republicans, and vice versa. Nothing good can come of it. Not even the fucking children. "LOVE" MEANS SHIT.

shattrdmind @ 2005-09-10T23:38:00

2005-09-11T03:45:54Z

Tonight was good. Hung out with madi, almost bought a $19 book with pictures of baby animals (ALMOST... but seriously, it was fabulous), laughed like sponge bob, oh and then

i (just me in the car at this time) was going 75ish in a 30 and almost flipped my car right the eff over. the scary part is that i wasnt scared. which is scary because i was in another lane and a large truck was headed my way. i guess i'm not afraid of death. pretty sweet, right?

good night.

shattrdmind @ 2005-09-09T23:42:00

2005-09-10T03:46:15Z

Today i laughed so hard that i cried. I'm so tired. but i got senior parking so my day got better.

This was funny:
bleedingwithyou: but you would live with me, i'll keep you out of trouble
RampagePixie1: hahaha
bleedingwithyou: well, be there with you to make the trouble

tomorrow i see madi for the first time in ages. anyway, leave me a love!